Becoming Whole.

The emotions that go into letting go and moving on can be summed up by the term “shit storm”. It’s been a long time coming that I would have to really sit with a break up I went through some months ago and sort through it all. I had done bits and pieces but mostly wanted to sweep it under the rug and call it a day. I knew in my heart we were breaking up for a reason, but then I knew in my heart that I gave up too easy. I knew in my heart that I had a lot of shit to sort through.

Vulnerability has always been a dark and scary place that I like to avoid at all costs. After having a wine-influenced conversation with a dear friend, I knew it was time to reach out and have a conversation I didn’t really want to have. It wasn’t until the moment I saw the guy that I was currently seeing that I really knew I had to deal with all that I had stirring inside me so that I could finally move on and truly give myself to someone else.

I went to kundalini full moon meditation that evening and have never experienced a meditation like that. It got deep real quick. Part of me was still OK with pushing it all aside though. I knew with my busy lifestyle, I wouldn’t really have to think about it often and eventually it would dissipate. It’s funny the things we tell ourselves in order to avoid feeling exposed and open. I’ve always been someone who people come to for advice or support, and man can I dish it all out all day long. Take my own advice? Nah.

During a Hot Foundation class I had moments of clarity and shedding of layers. When a song came on with the mantra “I am Light” I just knew. That mantra had come up all too often over the weekend and I finally knew it was the Universe telling me I was going to be OK. I am truly enough. I am worthy. During my Nidra session right after, she asked us to repeat a mantra to ourselves that affirms who we are and what we want to manifest. I am Light.

The moment of knowing for certain that I Am Enough. I Am Worthy. Feeling the weight of it all finally lift and dissolve; all within a whirlwind of days. I felt unsettled, unsure and downright not OK. I was expecting to feel this intense need to be with him again but I didn’t. I felt like I had to tell him that I was scared I threw something amazing away and would regret it. All true. I told him that I was unsure if we made the right decision. And then I walked into a yoga class with just me and my mat, no one else around me mattered. I honed in on what I needed to sort through and I reminded myself over, and over, and over and fricken over that I am worthy and I am enough.

I had a moment of, “Alright, Universe, you go girl. You got this and you got me. Do what you will”. And then I still hadn’t heard back from him by the time I went into the Nidra session. It got deep, it got serious and it got insanely beautiful. She reminded me of my mantra and I have never felt it so deep in my bones. I am worthy. I am enough.

Be well & Live loud, Amanda